Humor me
by Hype
Summary: My very first attempt at humor... Very out-of-character lines. The modified Mary Sue? You tell me.


  
  
  
  


**Ten Things....**

**By Ashley (Hype)**

**My First Attempt at Humor**

  
  


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_Ten things Ron would never say:_

  
  


"You know, I really look up to Percy. He`s been a true inspiration to me throughout my life... Unlike my nasty twin brothers..._ugh_..."

"Hey Snape, I simply _love_ your choice of apparel today. Green suits you very well!"

"Oy! Fred... Do you reckon you could set me up on a date with Draco Malfoy? _Please?!_"

"Harry... I am tired of being the mastermind behind your plans. From now on, I`m going solo!"

"Honestly, Hermione, you_ need_ to take more classes. You`re falling terribly behind me... I scored perfect on the last of our exams!"

"I just hate Quidditch... How dull.... I reckon I`ll be going off to play golf. Honestly, you wizards just have no sense of sport."

"Harry... I have this problem, see?" (Harry: "Well, what is it?") "I`m in love with Mullecent Bullstrode." ("Oh my....")

"Hagrid, I_ hate_ you! I don`t ever want to see you again for as long as I live!"

"I reckon I`m too rich for my own good... Malfoy`s begging me for my money."

"I`ve hired Gildory Lockheart to be my advisor. He`s simply _marvelous_!"

  
  


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_Ten things Harry would never say:_

  
  


"I`m quitting the Quidditch team. Instead, I have decided to follow in the footsteps of Lord Voldemort... He`s just soooo much more interesting."

"Oh Dudley, Dudley...Where for art thou, Dudley?"

"Auntie Petunia, do you need any help with the dishes? I`d be ever so happy to clean them for you."

"Draco, I know this might sound abrupt, but I think we should move our wedding date to this weekend, honey! I simply can`t wait any longer! I love you too much to wait for next week!"

"Ron, you are the worst best friend anyone could ever hope to dread for!"

"Neville, just shut up an leave me alone, okay? Go suck up to someone else. I`m tired of you groveling at my feet."

"You know, Snape is a really lovely man. Someone just needs to give him a chance...."

"Madam Pomfry, can I stay in the hospital wing longer? I`m not ready to go yet. My arm still has a bruise on it."

"Professor McGonagall?" ("Yes Harry?") "Do you pull your hair back so tight so that you`ll get a face lift?" ("POTTER!")

"Fred! George! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Honestly, trying to hit a bluger at the opposite team!" **stalks off, leaving the bewildered twins to themselves...they turn to each other. Fred: "You know, I reckon he was right..." George: "Really...What were we thinking?"

  
  
  
  


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___Ten things Hermione would never say:_

  
  


"I`m sick of school.... Sick of being a witch... sick of having you two idiots as friends!" (Smacks Ron and Harry upside their heads)

***waves a green sign around, shouting with the Slytherins : "SLYTHERIN`S NEED BETTER QUIDDITCH SUPPLIES!!!"***

"Hi Harry!" ("You look cheerful...What did you do? Just get back from the library?") "As a matter of fact, I did. They`re still trying to control the flames. Apparently, they didn`t think that having a dragon in the library wasn`t much fun. I, however, beg to differ..."

"Er... Draco? I would just like to say that I appreciate all of your antics over the years... Even when you set my hair on fire and called me a mudblood."

"Ron, I wholeheartedly agree with you in saying that Professor McGonagall is a total prat."

**standing at the altar** "I here by take Lucius Malfoy as my lawfully wedded husband...."

*angrily waves hands about in the air at Neville* "Well if you`re so smart, why don`t you make the potion?! I don`t get one damn thing on these instructions!"

"Professor Lupin, I`m a werewolf too. How does a long run under the moonlight sound to you?" **bats eyelashes flirtatiously**

"I should forget about books and try to be more like Lavender and Parvati, giggling endlessly for a new generation of witches."

***with Voldemort, plotting to destroy the world*** "Tommy, dear?" ("Yes love?") "I really think I should be the head of muggle torturing instead of Lucius Malfoy." ("Yes, ma`am. Right away, ma`am.")

  
  
  
  


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___Ten things Snape would never say:_

  
  


**Harry and Ron enter class late** "Fifty points to Gryffindor. My, my... You two have been setting_ wonderful_ examples lately!"

"Well, Harry, back in the day I dated Sirius Black for two minutes. He was the only true love I ever had....Besides, your father, of course. He lasted a whole _six minutes_!" ("But wasn`t that a joke?") "_POTTER!_ Your father loved me profusely!" ("Yeah...until he dumped a bucket of slugs on you ...") "Twenty points to Gryffindor. Well- called, Harry ole boy."

"Minerva, my dear, you simply look stunning today. And may I congradulate you on Gryffindor`s victory over Slytherin yesterday?"

"Potions? I _teach_ Potions?!" **Dumbledore nods** "How did _that_ happen?! Why wasn`t I informed?!"

**smiling widely** "Oh,_ welcome_, Remus, welcome!" ("Are you sure this is okay with you?") "Why, _certainly_, Remus, ole boy! It`s fine by me if you teach Defense Against the Dark Arts! I completely _SUCK_ at it!" ("Well, okay...")

"Dumbledore, sir, I find myself_ highly_ attracted to you..." ("Is that so? You`re scaring me, Severus...")

"Lupin, I have this problem..." ("Really? Well, why are you telling _me_?") "Shut up and pay attention, Moony. This is serious." ("Go on then...") "Like I was _saying_," ***glares at Remus Lupin***, "before I was so _rudely_ interrupted-" ("Get on with it, Snape!"} ***Snape crosses arms over his chest and sticks out his lower lip, pouting*** "Well, if you`re going to be _that_ way-" ("I`m leaving now.") 

"MR. MALFOY, SHUT YOUR OVER-LARGE MOUTH THIS _INSTANT _BEFORE I EXPEL YOU!!!" **yelp of surprise from Draco** Snape grumbles, "I swear...that boy could give Steven Tyler _and_ Mick Jagger a run for their money..."

**sees Sirius for the first time in 12 years** "OH! My love! You`ve returned to me!" **drops to the groud and hug`s Sirius`s knees while Sirius tries madly to shake him off. ("_Get off, you slimy git!_")

"Class, today we will be studying the female species." **several giggles erupt from the class** "Today I will teach you about the women`s reproductive cycle!" 

  
  
  
  


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**DISCLAIMER: EEEEKKK!!!! Sex ed with SNAPE? Well, this is_ attempted_ humor... All names are JKR`s. Lines are mine. The idea has been used a million times...**

**NOTE: Er...review? My first attempt at humor.**

  
  
  
  



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